But...You will get milk on your dress!

We were in the limo. We had just gotten married. FINALLY. It felt so nice to know that this wonderful, perfect man was going to be my husband forever. That we were finally going to be able to touch each other below the neck and beyond the wrist. It was going to be perfect. It was going to be magical. It was going to be the best night of my life.

And then we started making out in the limo. We were both really flustered and embarrassed, but I wanted to have a little bit of fun before we got to the reception, so I put his hand on my breast for the first time. He instantly pulled away. I felt a rush of heat to my face, the humiliation of his slight rejection of my body hurt me.
"I'm s-sorry,.." I stammered, sitting farthur back on the seat. He wiped his face with his hands.
"No it's okay, I want to, I just don't want you to get milk on your dress."

I looked up. "Um...WHAT?"
He took a breath and spoke up.
"I just don't want you to ruin your dress by getting milk on it,...you know if I touch you there..."



Nope, I wasn't lactating. He just thought that that was what boobs did. All the time. I sighed. maybe it was going to be a long night afterall....

Just you, and me, and Jesus...

We cooled our jets a little, and didn't have very much physical contact for quiet a while. A peck on the cheek, a brush of the hand, a sideways Christian hug...But definitely no kissing. No touching. Nothing we wouldn't do if Jesus was in the room.
According to my husband, Jesus was always in the room. We talked about sex occasionally, if we were watching tv and somebody was getting busy in prime time.
"John?"
"Yes, Violet?"
"Do you think if we got married we'd be that adventurous?" (pointing to the tv)
"I don't know Violet. I don't think the Lord would appreciate us being bold."
"What do you mean, John?"
"Well...It won't be just us, on our wedding night, Violet. Jesus will be there too. And frankly, I don't know if he would want to see that."
"You're supposed to have sex on your wedding night, John. Give me a break!"
"Jesus is going to be in the front row for our wedding! Jesus is going to be with us...it is such a spiritual event, Violet. We would have to wait for him to leave us for a while before I'd feel comfortable consummating."

I could not picture spending my wedding night back to back with my husband, who refused to have sex with me, because he wanted to leave space for Jesus between us. But he was dead serious. It took a very long time for me to deprogram his brain. Apparently at Mormon social functions, there is a term used around the youth as a guideline for dancing. 
"Leave enough space for Jesus between you"

How many other Mormon kids took that literally, I don't know, but my husband sure did.

"Honey, it's an erection, and no, it is not a sin."

Before I get into some of my sexual stories, I am warning you they can be, and will be graphic. I am also warning you that although this is about a couple of Mormons getting it on the first few times, it is not about Mormon beliefs. I know I will be posting this many times over, but the fact that we are Mormon is not completely at fault for our lack of knowledge in the bedroom, but it is partially to blame at least for my husband. But not all Mormons are as clueless as he was, ...sadly, I think it may have been just my husband.

We were dating. I had just converted. I believed with my whole heart that chastity was the way to go. But I had spent 20 years of my life making out, hitting up second base, nearly sliding into third but chickening out, and dreaming of that elusive "O" they talked about every once in a while on Oprah. So suddenly finding myself alone on a green, musty sofa with my Mormon boyfriend, I was scared that my sexual impulses would get the better of me and I would break a very big, very important rule, only 2 weeks after officially becoming a Mormon. I was wrong. Making out with him did turn me on, it did make me feel all fluttery inside, but then I broke away for air and saw how "excited" he was too. He saw me looking, turned bright red and said,
"I know you are probably ignorant of this. I'm sorry, it just happens to me sometimes. I can't really control it..." to which I replied,

"honey, it's an erection, and no, it's not a sin. It's okay. It happens. It's a good, healthy thing."

He became very red and indignant and said,

"An erection is not healthy. It is my body's red flag pole,...A warning against crossing the invisible chastity line in my heart."





If you would like to hear the story of how I ended up married to this poor, sheltered Mormon, please, stay tuned.

Adam and Eve

In the beginning there was Adam. He was a pretty nice guy. Liked nature, had a fondness for fruit. But then there was Eve. She was a temptress in her own right. I mean, she was the one who picked the fruit, she was the one who broke the rules, she was the one who gave away paradise for a snack, and not even a good one at that. But one of the things I truly admire about Eve, is that the girl knew what she wanted. Adam was content to sit back in his ignorant bliss, but Eve wanted to explore. Eve wanted options.

My story is a lot like Eve's story, in that I too, had no idea what paradise really was and what it would take to lose it and find it again. I had no idea that my wedding night would be such a horror, but that somehow, my sexual experiences with my husband would bring us closer, if not satisfied physically for many years.

So this is it. This is the beginning. I am afraid to tell these personal stories, as funny as they are. But hopefully they will help other young brides learn from our mistakes, and have fun with their husbands. After all, if sex isn't fun, it isn't worth it, and nobody knows that better than me.